Memory Eaters 2
WC 4241
The warm sun smiled on my face as I strolled along the teeming sidewalk. Everyone that I passed was a stranger, but I didn’t care. I had moved here for that very reason. I came to escape my friends and family, to escape those who knew more about me than I knew about myself. This new town, these new people, they did not know about the holes in my past, the holes left by the memory eater.
As I approached Mom’s Café, I waved to my new friend sitting at the table in front.
“Hey Tami, I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”
“No, I just got here. I’m so glad we could meet for lunch today.”
“Me too.”
We ordered our lunch. I got my usual oriental chicken salad and she ordered a hamburger and fries. I never will understand how some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I had met Tami the week before when I started working in the Dr. Dahle’s office. Tami was the nurse and I was the new receptionist. It was the first time we have gotten together away from the office and I hoped that we would become more than co-workers. I found it hard to make new friends, especially after the memory eater procedure.
Tami was a talker, so I had no problem with the conversation, until she started asking me questions that I couldn’t answer.
“So Connie, what brought you to Eugene?”
I could feel the blood drain from my face. I gulped. I opened my mouth to answer but no words came.
“What? Did I say something wrong?” She looked puzzled.
“No. I just swallowed something the wrong way, that’s all.” I tried to cover my reaction.
“I moved here because…um, well because I have always felt a strong desire to live in Eugene. It’s a college town and I always thought it would be a fun place to live.” I improvised.
I actually had wanted to live in Eugene for a long time, but I couldn’t remember why I had felt that way or even for how long. But how did you explain that to someone who hasn’t had her memory erased?
“Oh, well you’ll like it here. There are lots of things to do in this town. And of course if you want to take classes there are loads of those around here too.” Tami chuckled, “Probably more things to do in this town than you’ll ever want or need to know.”
She proceeded to tell me about the art classes that she took in the evenings last semester, and how her brother was a full time student, majoring in psychology. I listened politely but tried not to make too many comments. I have always found that if you show too much interest in other people’s lives then they feel obligated to show an equal interest in yours. I just wasn’t ready to have anyone find out about my memory problems.
I didn’t think that my memory eater procedure would affect my job or anything else important, I just wasn’t used to having these small ‘black holes’ in my head. I hadn’t figured out how to work around the gaps in my memory yet.
That Saturday afternoon we walked downtown, enjoying the sunshine and blossoms. We parted with the promise to get together for dinner on Tuesday night. And of course, we would see each other at work on Monday.
I have been told that I asked to have my memory erased. They said that I was depressed after my divorce. I suppose it was true, but I really couldn’t swear to it. The truth is I can’t remember being married, or even in love. It sounds strange I know. If I was depressed, I’m not anymore.
Now I have a new life. I have moved to a new town, started a new job, and I am making new friends. I’m happy, or least I will be happy once I am settled in to all this ‘newness’. I suppose it beats having a broken heart. I really don’t remember.
The next few weeks flew by as I adjusted to my job and began to make friends. Then one day, what I feared, happened. I was driving down a one way street, I think it was 6th St. and suddenly I saw a house. Of course, I had never really seen it before. But somehow my heart remembered that house, even though my brain didn’t.
Have I seen this house before? I wondered, I feel like it should be my house.
The house had everything I ever wanted in a house. It had a large wrap-around porch with an overhanging roof, and a white railing around it. It also had a large window that looked over the flower garden that was in full bloom.
This is my garden. I could imagine the garden soil drying on my hands. I could envision the autumn trees turning gold and red. This house is meant to be mine.
I pulled my car to the side of the road and put my head on the steering wheel. I waited for the dizziness to pass. Did I actually know this house? Had I been here before?
My fear of the ‘black holes’ in my brain, returned. What other things might I have forgotten? I wiped the tears from my cheeks as I realized, I would always be tormented by the missing memories. I would never be free from the moments of panic that come with any awareness of those forgotten memories.
After a few minutes I continued the drive home. I immediately telephoned my mother, a first since I had left my hometown. My family had signed a confidentiality agreement before the procedure. It was one of the requirements. I was always nervous that she would tell me something from my past that I didn’t want to know.
“Hi mom,” I said when she answered the phone. “It’s me, Connie. I just wanted to call and see how you and dad are doing.”
“Oh honey, it is so good to hear your voice.” I could hear the tears, and my guilt began to grow.
“How is your new job? Do you like Eugene? When are you coming home to visit?” She bombarded me.
“Mom, everything is going well. I just wanted to call and see how you’re doing. How are you?” I asked, not really knowing what to say, but wanting to make a connection with someone from my past.
“Dad and I are fine, but we miss you Connie.”
“I know mom. But you knew I had to get away for awhile. It won’t be forever mom, I promise,” I reassured her.
I let her gabber on about my sisters and their boyfriends, and my dad’s golf game, and Auntie Jo’s new Rottweiler puppy. Finally after about 15 minutes I told her I had to go.
Just as I was about to hang up, mom pleaded, “Connie, honey please reconsider going to a MESS meeting. It would help you cope with the changes in your life. Please promise me that you’ll go to one.”
“Okay, I promise mom, just one meeting,” I regretted my promise even as I made it.
The next Friday night I drove myself across town to attend MESS. Memory Eaters Support System meetings are held in many cities now, since the M.E. procedure became the new “prosac”. M. E. is a non-pharmaceutical means to treat depression , PTSS and other mental and emotional disorders. No side effects, they say. But if that’s true, why are there so many people attending these MESS meetings?
I drove my new hybrid-Toyota, the one that I got in the divorce settlement; the divorce that I couldn’t remember. As I pulled into the parking lot of the old church building I noted that there were about 30 cars.
“I hope that there is a prayer meeting next door,” I mumbled to myself. Crowds weren’t my thing.
As I walked through the door, I heard a familiar voice saying, “Hi, my name is Tami, and I had my memory eaten.” I stopped in my tracks. It was Tami, the nurse that I worked with in Dr. Dahle’s office. I’d had no idea that she had also had her memory erased. She seemed so happy, so normal.
As she sat down, I slid into the chair beside her. She looked over at me and her shocked face must have been a reflection of mine. She sheepishly grinned at me. I couldn’t talk but I took her hand in mine and we sat quietly, listening to the next speaker. That evening I realized that we would become close friends. We had so much in common. Both of us had the M.E. procedure. We were survivors of “something” that neither of us had wanted to remember, so here we were, both with holes in our memories.
After that night we spent even more evenings doing things together. We each understood when the other didn’t have the answer to a seemingly normal question. She’d had some kind of trauma that would have ruined her life but she didn’t know what it was and therefore was happy and content, while I had been through a heartbreaking divorce, so I’m told, and now I am happy and content. Except we each have some fears of the unknown in our past. ‘Phantom’ fears they call them.
These meeting were the fertilizer that grew our friendship. I took Tami home with me for Christmas at my parent’s home and she took me to meet her brother at Thanksgiving. We never told anyone else about our M.E. procedures. That was the past. We were learning to live in the present.
We attended MESS every Friday night. Often we would go out to clubs or bars, or to the movies afterwards. I began to make other friends, both from the MESS meetings and other places. But Tami became my BFF.
We almost never talked about our worry about what we had forgotten. Less and less I felt the panic caused by the black holes in my mind. We had one another for support at work, when we were out socializing, and of course we had our MESS meeting. Then one night our lives took a giant step forward.
We were sitting in the MESS meeting when a tall, blonde man stood up to share. I immediately felt flutters in my stomach, and when he sat down next to an equally handsome redhead, Tami whispered to me, “Let’s go talk to those two.”
The four of us went out afterwards. Tami seemed to be interested in the redhead. I was definitely interested in the blonde. This became our routine, every Friday night after MESS Tami and I would go out with Justin and Adam.
**
Justin opened the door, “Are you girls ready yet?”
Tami grabbed the picnic basket, and I grabbed the blanket as we hurried to greet the guys.
“We’re ready.” I replied as the four of us trooped out to Justin’s red 1965 Mustang convertible. How can you not like a guy with a car like this? His taste in cars is as great as he is. Over the months that the four of us double dated, I noticed that Justin and I had similar tastes. For example, we liked the same cars, I loved his Mustang and he said that when he got a second car it will be a hybrid like mine.
We went fishing and picnicking several times. We once took a day trip to Multnomah Falls and hiked to the top for a picnic. Another time we went fishing up the McKenzie River, also taking a picnic. We even went to the tulip show once. We had so much fun together.
As we drove to the Rhododendron Gardens to share a picnic, Justin and I sat in the front. As we were all four talking and laughing back and forth, Justin turned to me and quietly asked, “Connie, would you like to go out with me?”
I laughed, “I thought I was going out with you right now.”
“I mean would you go out with just me? Not on a double date, but with just me.”
I stopped laughing and looked into his clear, deep blue eyes and answered, “Yes.”
I couldn’t stop a smile from curving my lips as I watched his face break into a giant grin. Alone. He wants to be alone with me. I could barely contain my excitement.
**
Justin and I dated through the spring and summer, occasionally including Adam and Tami but more often just the two of us. He was so fun to be around. He was considerate, and kind. He was sweet and funny. He was everything a girl could want in a date. I fell in love that summer.
By the fall I didn’t think I could spend a night without his phone calls, or our frequent dates. I loved to be with him. He made me feel special. He made my heart race.
When I told my mom on the phone about my new boyfriend, she sounded hesitant. She must have been worried about my past, the past that I couldn’t remember. She was probably worried that I wasn’t ready to fall in love again.
Truthfully, I don’t remember the first time I fell in love, so I don’t need to get over the past. She just didn’t understand that. I was sure that she would warm to the idea of me having a boyfriend once she met him and realized that he was a wonderful person and that he would never hurt me, not like my ex-husband must have.
**
When Justin kissed me, my heart raced, my fingers and toes tingled. I longed for more. When we finally went to bed together, it was literally like the first time for me. I had no memory of sex. But it was beautiful. It was if we were made for each other. I didn’t feel clumsy or awkward as I had feared that I would. It was as if we each knew what the other wanted and needed. It was perfect.
Throughout the summer we spent as much time together as we could. I adored him, and he treated me like a princess. So in the fall when I began to suspect that I might be pregnant, I was thrilled. I wanted to spend my life with Justin and to have his babies. My life was perfect.
“Justin, I have something that I need to tell you.” I whispered in his ear as we lay together. He continued to kiss my neck and run his hands down my back and along my thighs. I kissed him again. “Justin, I love you.” It was not the first time that we had spoken of our love.
I hesitated, “Justin, I think I’m pregnant.”
“Connie!” Justin’s face showed his surprise and his pleasure. He smiled as he pulled me closer. “I can’t believe it, a baby. You’ll be a wonderful mother, Connie.” He kissed me deeply. Then abruptly he shouted, “I’m going to be a dad!”
I laughed. We spent the night in a rosy cocoon, sharing our warmth and our happiness and our love.
**
I called my mom, “I’m engaged, mom.”
“What? To that guy Justin?”
“Yes, of course to Justin.” I huffed at her.
“But…Connie, I …”
“Stop, mom. I don’t want to hear about how you think that I’m not ready, or how you think that I need more time to recover, or how your think it’s too soon.” I rushed to tell her.
“Connie, there’s som…”
“Mom, I don’t want to hear it! Justin and I are getting married, and it doesn’t matter what you say. I love him and he loves me.”
“But, Connie…”
“Mom, I’m pregnant, and I am getting married to Justin. There is nothing that you can say to stop me.” I slammed the phone.
My mother never said another word about it being too soon for me to get married. The next day I talked to her again and she forced herself to keep quiet about any misgivings that she might have had. Crimemanny, she hadn’t even met him yet.
We planned the wedding over the phone, mom and I. It was to be a small intimate wedding with just a few friends and family. I wanted to get married in my parent’s backyard before the leaves had all fallen. Justin and I didn’t see any reason to wait, especially since the baby was coming. So we planned to be married in two weeks.
My Uncle Jessie would perform the ceremony. He has married everyone in our family since he became a minister over the internet; so he would marry Justin and me. I didn’t want a white wedding dress because even though I couldn’t remember it, I had been married before. I just wanted to wear my pale yellow silk dress. The decorations for the reception in my parent’s backyard would be yellow, orange, and brown; all the colors of autumn. The leaves would be turning on the apples trees in the orchard behind the yard.
My Aunt Yvonne would make the small three tiered wedding cake, with artificial white birds on the top instead of a bride and groom. I told her my colors only, I didn’t care about the details, she could decide on those. My mom printed out the invitations on her computer, using a special program that she bought. The basics were covered, that’s all that mattered.
I was excited about the wedding but also beginning to feel the stirrings of morning sickness. The fatigue and nausea were dampening my ability to worry about the details. I only wanted to become Mrs. Justin Overman, nothing else mattered. Justin understood.
We talked about the wedding and our future constantly. We already knew that we each had gone through the M.E. procedure. That had brought us together. Our families were not allowed to speak of the past that we had each erased from our lives, so we felt that it didn’t matter to our future.
While my parents were taking care of the wedding details, Justin and I planned our future. We decided to buy a home, so almost daily we looked at houses. Tami and I would go look at houses during our lunch break, and when we found one that I was interested in then Justin and I would go back that evening. Tami and I looked at more houses than Justin and I did.
Justin was busy working. His friend, Adam was planning to fill in for him at work so that we could take a week for our honeymoon. Although we didn’t have much extra money, it was important to spend some alone time as husband and wife, so we planned a week on the Oregon coast.
A week before the wedding we looked at the house on 6th St. Tami and I both loved it. It was the house that I had seen that day right after I had moved to Eugene. It still felt like it was meant for me. I loved that house on first site, so I took Justin back to see it. He fell in love with it also. So we returned to the R.E. office and made an offer.
Buying a house seemed straightforward, but when you’ve had a part of your memory eaten, there could be unexpected complications. In our case, we had both been married before, so we each had some credit history with another person that, in my case, I could not remember. We were worried about having credit problems related to our ex-spouses. But when the bank ran a credit check there were no problems. I was so relieved. I wanted that house, and so did Justin.
It appeared that there was life after M.E. We even stopped going to MESS meetings. We didn’t think that we needed them anymore. We were both over whatever had been in our pasts. We were in love. We were starting a new life together. We were going to have a baby. Live just didn’t get any better.
Two days before the wedding, Justin and I went to my parent’s home in Albany, just an hour or so up Interstate 5. Justin’s parents drove over from Bend. We all met at the Sizzler near the Mall. It was the first time I had met Justin’s parents, and he mine. Everything went well. His mom and dad immediately got along with mine and his accepted me without that awkwardness that might sometimes occur with second marriages. My parents seemed to love Justin right off the bat. Things were looking great.
The day before the wedding Justin and I met Adam and Tami for lunch, and then the guys went to Justin’s motel room to get ready for the rehearsal and dinner, while Tami and I returned to my parent’s house. When we got to the house, my mom was in the kitchen talking with Justin’s mom Cathy, but as we came in the door they stopped talking. They seemed uncomfortable with us in the room. Maybe they didn’t want us to hear what they were talking about. Maybe it was a wedding surprise.
I was glad that they were getting along so well. I looked forward to Justin’s family and mine becoming good friends. After all they would be sharing a grandchild.
Later that night, at the rehearsal dinner, I saw our father’s talking together. They had been waving their arms around as they talked but when Justin and I came into the room, they stopped talking completely. Oh, oh, were our dad’s not getting along? I watched them closely the rest of the evening but never saw anything else that worried me. So maybe it was just my overactive imagination.
My Uncle Jessie patiently walked us through the rehearsal. The yellow, orange, and brown leaves softly floated onto the ground between the folding chairs. My artificial silk flowers perfectly matched the colors of autumn around us. The rehearsal went smoothly, and the dinner was delicious. Kimmel’s Katering, an exclusive catering service owned by a cousin provided the food.
My extended family members and Justin’s seemed to get along well. I was surprised at how comfortable everyone seemed to be. Everything was going perfectly. Justin and I agreed to each go home early to be prepared for the next day. Justin, Adam and a few cousins from both sides went to his hotel for a nightcap before he retired. I went home with Tami, my maid of honor, to my parent’s home for my last night as a single woman. I was getting married in the morning. It would be the only wedding that I would ever remember.
**
The day dawned bright and sunny; which is not always guaranteed in Oregon. I knew that it was a sign, a blessing on our wedding. The morning sickness that frequently ruined my mornings was not to be that day, thank God. Tami and I spent the morning eating a small breakfast, then doing our hair and nails, finally getting into our dresses and preparing for the 2 pm wedding.
The house was full of people and the usual confusion associated with events of this type. It reminded me of the wedding preparations in “Steel Magnolias”, although there were no birds or gun shots involved. It was just the run of the mill, butterflies-in-your-tummy type of mayhem. It was wonderful.
**
“I do,” I said as I gazed into Justin’s blue eyes.
“I do,” Justin replied when it was his turn. We smiled.
We kissed when we were told to, and the room erupted in shouts, laughter and clapping. We were man and wife. I had never been so happy in my life. The glow of happiness surrounded us throughout the afternoon and evening as we cut the cake, visited with family and friends, danced and finally had dinner with our guests. Before we left on our honeymoon, our two mothers brought us a box wrapped in wedding paper.
“Don’t open this until tomorrow morning,” they firmly instructed us.
Puzzled, we agreed. We drove away in the Mustang with the top up. The drive to the coast took us under an hour and a half. The winding road making me feel slightly nauseated, whether from carsickness or pregnancy is unknown.
We had a romantic first night as husband and wife, and I woke the next morning and again had no morning sickness. We ate breakfast in our suite, then after a long shower together we dressed and prepared to go sightseeing along the shore.
The Oregon coast can be very windy and cold so I got my coat and prepared to leave when I noticed the gift that our mothers had given to us.
“Justin, let’s open this now,” I suggested.
“Ok.”
We sat closely together on the sofa in our suite. I was excited to see what this mystery gift from our parents might be. Maybe it was something for the new house, or the baby. I held Justin’s hand tightly for a minute, then let go so that I could pick up the package. I made Justin help me take off the bow and we peeled back the paper.
“It looks like a photo album,” I stated the obvious.
As I opened the book, my heart stopped. There on the first page of this photo album was a picture of me and Justin. A wedding photo; Me in a white dress, and Justin in a black tuxedo.
The nausea hit it at the same time as the realization hit. We were married; Again
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